Dreamscapes

It isn't. To love someone deeply and truly is the hardest thing in the world for me. to love people for their abilities and characteristics isn't hard, that's easy. But to love someone to the depth and into the deepest darkest corners of my heart, is hard.

It's been a year and a half since you told me I was yours. And that's something I don't regret at any point of my life, I believe that's the best thing that's ever happened to me. These 18~something months have been amazing to say the least. I've become stronger within myself and gotten a chance to build up everything inside that's been broken for years. I've found myself and I've become all the things I never thought I could become but wanted to.
To say that you make me happy is an understatement. To say that you're the air that I breathe and the blood in my veins, is closer to explain how I really feel. You're the wind beneath my wings and the beat within my heart, the music in my voice and the song within my soul. 

It's not easy for my to really love someone. I fear love, and I fear giving in and surrendering all of myself to someone else. But with you, that's all I can do. I give up my heart and hand it over to you, unveiling all the scars and all the old wounds. All mistakes and all the hurt, but with it all the love and all the joy. I love you Henrock, more than anything.

The other night I got a chance to change my haircolor, so I did. and I'm quite happy with it.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

I realized something today. Something that for some people might not mean anything, but for me it means a new chapter is started and a new journey is starting for me. Small changes that's come a bit to and from these past six months are really starting to become a everyday habit.

For instance my new way of using make-up. This might sound really silly, but for me it's not. I've always used hard edges and cold colors when putting on make up and today I tried to do that (just to fix myself up and cheer myself up after being sick for a few days), but as I saw myself  nearly done in the mirror I didn't see whom it was. So I took a make-up pad and soaked it in baby-oil and water and just removed everything, and put on a lighter make up in bronze and brown with a light golden touch. Suddenly I recognized the girl within it and I found her smiling to me, as if to say "yeah, I'm here. Nice to finally have you noticing me!" And it felt good. 
Also, I've started to use more colors on my clothes; whites, pinks, browns.. etc.

It feels like I'm reaching some kind of goal and entering into a very different world. and at the same time parts of my old self is clinging on to old habits furiously and trying with all their might to not let go. Even so I'm stretching forward and working hard to let go and to, in a way, ascend, into the next level of where I'm going with my life. 


These past weeks have been really hard on me to be honest. Moving forward, ending chapters of all kinds and finding new wants and feelings with in, are quite scary in a way. For example; in less than 3 weeks I've finally gotten a proper education in secondary school with full grades and with all that means. If I want to I have the possibility to hold three summer jobs within my chosen profession, and it's a profession I'm really, really, good at. Even if i doubt myself sometimes, I know I'm good at this. I have a keen eye and the willingness to learn and try new things. 

All these possibilities and what they mean to me, my life, and not to mention; my economy, totally scare the life out of me! I've done nothing but fight for everything I have and my way of living, all my life. I've taken job I haven't wanted to do, and I've torn my body for paychecks that are laughable, just to survive. Suddenly I know that I won't need to do that any more. Instead I have workplaces who wants me, where I can choose where I want to work and how much. Instead of hunting down employers and beg them to "please, please, pick me so I can have the chance to survive", I can choose when others ask me to "come and work here".

They say that "beggars can't be choosers", And that expression is all too true. I've lived with that expression in almost every job I've taken the last 9 years. Now I don't have to. This time I can choose. Where I want to go, Where I want to work. How much I want to work, and most importantly; Where I don't want to work. This don't only gives a strong sense of self worth, it makes my back straighter and my heart beat stronger.

There's most definitely a new chapter starting. and it still scares me. Because there's a new freedom in it, and when you've been chained up for a long time, freedom is always scary. Even so, I long to go into it. Move forward. Feel new winds under my wings. Take the first steps upon new roads, and find that flower blossoming out there somewhere that is me.

I didn't know, until i saw you, that I miss you. the joy and sadness both hit my heart like a comet and dumbstruck me. I see you all too rarely, Maybe now we'll have more time..

I finished my last day at my internship at Hilton today. I got a bunch of good news that people really, really seemed to like me. Also that they really would have hired me unless Scandic hadn't done that already. But I have to admit that I felt more at home at Hilton. It was a very long time ago I could work away anxiety by going TO work. So it's really sad to have gone away from there, but hopefully they'll give me work as well. I told the big boss what I felt and what I want. I got a few good strong hugs and a ton of sunshine smiles when I left. Even so, a part of my heart is empty and cold. At least I had some three amazing weeks, and a few of them got my number so hopefully I have some good friends to go and grab a beer or two with at some point! 

After wards I met up Mary, had a good and healthy dinner in Old Town, and later a mead at The Barrel. As she left I met a really funny Russian guy who fast enough was exchanged to good friends, and before I knew it I was in a company of some of the best! It was nice to finish off the night like that, make a positive turn of events. 

Now I'm planning on sleep. Got a long shift at Scandic tomorrow (today, Saturday) and after that I'm going to my granny to look at a sowing machine! It'll be a very interesting weekend, I believe! Let's just hope I'll remember that when I go off my shift tomorrow evening, I've forgotten it more than twice today only.

It's been a long and emotionally roller coaster of a day, but the end is always the beginning of something new! So it can't be all that bad.

Today I went to Stockholm International Fairs and went through the show Gastro Nord with school. In short: It's all about food, cooking, equipment and anything and everything that has to do with a professional kitchen. I have to say that it was amazing! I met some really cool people and tasted some really, really, amazing stuff! I'm not sure I can put words to all of it, but I had a ton of fun.

Afterwards I got to spend some time with Taz. she's a really cool and sweet girl. We're studying together. So we talked for a few hours and the had a pizza and watched Army of Darkness. Have to say that we had some laughs! And was really enjoying it. 

This week though, is kind of empty. most of my friends are out in the forest and larping.. I never started doing that as a youth, but times like these, I kind of wish I did. Because it creates a different depth to the friendship, and sometimes I think I'm really missing that with a lot of really good, old friends. However, it's also nice to know I'm not spending up to 4 weeks/year in to forest getting sick. But I do know I'm missing out on a lot of crazy stuff! And maybe, to next year I'll start it as well. Until then, I got some skills I need to hone! 

First off, I'm going to learn how to sow. I desperately need this. My granny won't live forever, and I love to make custom stuff. Also it'll give me the freedom to make anything I want out of fabric that I can wear! Imagine all those fancy dresses and awesome trousers i can learn to make. It'll be good i think! It takes time though.
Next step after that will be to create a character that's not too hard to play for me. This will also take time. But I think it might be quite fun. Alternative personality.. I've always been a bit odd. 
After this it's all secret skills and mental & physical exercise. 

I might start off with a pirate =)

Otherwise, things are at least moving in a general, some kind of, direction. We'll see what happens in the near future. Something's on the move at least! And I like change, so it can't be all that bad.

Bookwise; I finished off the Hunger games in under 48hours. Aprox; 12 hours of reading time all in all. I love it! And I'm going to force my poor, poor, oniisan to go watch it with me in theaters. And I'm really looking forward to it.
now I'm reading: Mercedes Lackey - the Black Gryphon and re-reading Pat Rothfuss - The Name of The Wind. Study literature and other small stories and chapters here and there in a few random books. 

I think this is one of those days I could babble on and on about nothing in particular. But I gotta get to bed. I have along day a head of me tomorrow with both internship AND work... and if I have strength I'm gonna drop by a local bar and sing a song for my friend who's having his 25th Birthday today. Congratulations Ken! I hope it's a great day for you. 

but now it's time for bed. Exhausted! 

Every day, every moment, I'm reminded of you. You're in my thoughts constantly. I remember everything. Our mornings, our walks, the cuddling on the sofa, how you never wanted to get out of bed. And I miss it, miss you.

 

This past year has been empty without you, no one and nothing can replace all that you were for me. I love you fiercely still.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

I'm the kind of free creature people wish they could be but can't. Freedom is so much more than what people think. I live freely and I always see myself to be free to do what I want, in the end it's "Live everyday as if it was your last" and "Live to regret nothing!", because if I don't I know I'll regret things I don't do along the way.

Because before I turned to this philosophy the things I regret the most are the things I didn't do, than the things I did do. It might be hard to grasp, but it's the honest truth. 

But it's hard to live this way as well. I still need work to really be able to work this way. In today's society money is what we trade with, and it demands its fair share of honest labor.  But I won't let my life be wasted away with work to survive! I'm here to live, surviving is for anyone. But the day I die I want people to be able to say that I lived, really lived, not just survived.

I have goals to reach, and some of them are hard to get to. But i know I'll get there in the end, one way or the other. Through the beating of my own heart and the rhythm of my own voice in the darkness.  

And I know that all of my friends, my real and true friends by heart and soul can do this as well. There's a reason you're in my life, and it's because I see the same strength in you, and I've found in myself!

I'm into my second, out of three, weeks work-related practice at my fourth and last place before school ends. Time really flies! My economy is growing thin and I know I won't have a proper economy again until August from now. But it's really worth it. Next saturday I'm working at Scandic, my first day in as a real employee! I'm looking forward to it.

Lately I've had a downward spiral. I think it's a lot of school-related stress, but also because spring is coming, and my hormone levels haven't gotten into balance yet.

Love's birthday is also hovering over me like a dark cloud. A lot of planning to do. When will I have time for my schoolwork? Oh well.. I'll wing it somehow. I always seem to either way.

I gotta get ready.. *sigh* Too much to do, too little time..

Why do people always have to make things complicated? Makes me think of Avril Lavigne and gets me her lyrics in my head. Life's in general good terms otherwise, my 4 course lunch at school went amazingly well, have never been that prepared in the kitchen before and it felt awesome! It felt like a ordinary service at work. I like it. And I got quite good reviews from my teachers with only a few things that I could/should have done differently.
I can live with that! 

Otherwise, I got work-practice from tuesday, the next tree weeks. And after that there's only 3 more weeks, and voilá I'm a chef by hand, head and on paper! It's an amazing feeling and I'm looking forward to it, but not all the coming tests a head! 

Easter is just passing, and today I'm going to celebrate one of my best and oldest friends on his birthday, have cake and later go grab a beer at Love's work. Sixth Barrel, here I come! And hopefully there'll be some good friends in as well. 

Last night was great! watched a very nice movie with a friend and later showed up at love's work and had a good musical hour with their DJ, talking music, playing music and just loving music! I could have died happy there. He's gonna make me a list with all the good old goth I'm behind on that I need to re-listen to. It was totally great! He's great! =P 

Time just files by already. I think that's the worst part of growing up. I miss the slow long summers one had as a kid, Not that i miss my own childhood all too much, but I miss the good theoretical one I could have had.